How We Killed Kate
by Ravenya03
Summary: Will and Djaq return to Sherwood Forest and rid the world of a terrible plague...


_For the record, I feel a little guilty writing this, as for all I know, Joanne Froggatt is a lovely person who did her best with a script that clearly hated her. But that doesn't change the fact that Kate was an awful character. I could have accepted her complete uselessness, and even handled the fact that she was made of stupid, but the thing that bugged me the most about her was that she simply Wasn't A Very Nice Person. For that reason more than any other, I wrote this fic. _

_(For those who don't get all the "imagination" and "indispensable" references, go take a look at the official BBC character profile on Kate. She's described as an "indispensable" member of the team and her weapon of choice is listed as her "imagination." Please don't ask me to explain this)._

_

* * *

_

Two figures stood near the prow of a ship as it swayed heavily on the waters that washed into Portsmouth. The man and woman were cloaked and hooded, and as the ship edged its way to port, the pale hand that rested on the railing reached over and covered the smaller, darker one.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes. I just…it is all rather overwhelming."

She glanced up at the wry smile that stretched up one side of her companion's face, and edged closer.

"Overwhelming, but _happy_," she corrected herself, rubbing her cheek on the coarse fabric of his cloak. "We're back where we belong. Or we very soon will be."

"How do you think the others will react when they see us?"

Djaq's smile faded, and she pulled her head back to look directly into Will's face.

"Can you not remember what I told you? They will not be as we remember them."

Will shifted a little uncomfortably.

"I know, I know. But still – they're our friends! They're bound to _recognise _us at least."

"Yes, they will. I just don't want you to be too disappointed if you find that they have changed."

"How bad could it be?"

Djaq took a deep breath, and linked her fingers together nervously, looking out at the steadily approaching shore.

"I have heard stories of these creatures. They can look so ordinary – so innocent, so harmless; appearances that completely belie the horrors lurking within."

Unconsciously, Will tightened the arm he'd wrapped around her shoulder.

"We'll manage, we always do."

She smiled up at him and pulled him closer.

"I know. Just remember – we're here to save the others. But until we do, they cannot be blamed for their behaviour."

Resting his chin on the top of her head, Will stared pensively at the shore.

Despite the worries with which they'd come, the couple felt their spirits lift as they trundled down the gangplank to the English soil that awaited them. Will felt unexpectedly giddy at the feel of his homeland under the soles of his feet, and as soon as they were clear of the ship, he grabbed his wife about the waist and swung her into the air.

The sun was bright, the air was clear, and for a moment all seemed right with the world as they celebrated their homecoming. They broke apart with a laugh and Will planted a kiss on Djaq's forehead, only to find that her smile had faded. Her face had gone white beneath her dark complexion, and she stared in dismay at something over his shoulder. Will followed her gaze to the prow of the ship that had carried them over the sea. He saw her concern immediately when he picked out the name of the ship that had been emblazoned on its starboard side.

"Hey, that's not right. We sailed on the _Breaking Dawn_."

The name of the ship, written in letters that seemed to sparkle in the setting sun, now read: _Kate._

Djaq swallowed. "It is worse than I feared."

* * *

Will wanted to go straight to the camp, but Djaq suggested caution. It would be best if they held back for a while and scoped out the new situation without anyone's knowledge. With their hoods pulled over their heads and their hands held tightly under the folds of their cloaks, they hurried into Nottingham Town. Knowing their former friends, it was only a matter of time before they made a public spectacle of themselves.

They acquisitioned two barrels for seats, hitching themselves up and making themselves comfortable against the fringes of the market square. As they looked out over the bustling crowds, Djaq tried to alleviate her nerves by plucking at Will's long fingers, something that had almost become an unconscious habit of hers in the months they'd been married. Will kept up a sporadic but welcome flow of conversation, mentioning his eagerness to see his brother, his aunt, and landmarks of his home once again. She shot a grateful glance at him. Despite the shroud of anxiety under which they'd returned, his grey eyes were gleaming with joy at being home once more.

She was about to lean across and impulsively kiss his cheek when a dart of movement caught the corner of her eye. Though she saw nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed entirely too furtive to be the work of any of the usual market shoppers. Immediately sensing her tension, Will straightened and reached for his hatchet.

"Shh – not yet," she warned him. "But if I'm not mistaken…"

"It's them!" he hissed with glee.

Out of the alleys and shadows swarmed a handful of people who – like Will and Djaq – had hoods drawn up over their faces. Too discrete to be noticed by anyone who wasn't specifically looking for it, the figures were prowling about the crowds, depositing pouches into the hands of beggars and pedestrians alike.

At her side, Djaq could feel Will tremble with excitement. It was them. Fighting her own desire to race into the crowd and throw her arms around the nearest outlaw, she laid a restraining hand on his knee. But there – the large man who stood head and shoulders above everyone else was Little John, and the careful, steady pace of the man beside him was surely Much. Which meant that the shorter man whose fingers were dancing over the coins in his hands, flipping them to grubby-faced children as he walked, must surely be Allan. She bit down on her lip, tears pricking in her eyes. She was so _close_. In less than a moment she could be down off this barrel and giving him the shock of his life…

But Robin must be here too. After a few more moments, Djaq recognised his cat-like gait as he weaved his way through the crowd; though he was made more conspicuous by the figure at his side. Rather than melt into the crowd like any other self-respecting outlaw, the slight figure stuck close to Robin, practically standing on his feet in the attempt to shadow his every move.

Djaq breathed in shakily and nudged Will.

"I think…"

His eyes were on the same target that hers were.

"You think that's it?"

Djaq nodded, growing in certainty. Will craned and dipped his head, trying to get a better look.

"I can't see her very well. But I think there's something wrong with her hair…"

Djaq gave a slight gasp of incredulity. "Not to mention her clothing. Who in their right mind would wear an ankle-length dress in our line of work?"

She patted her thighs reassuringly, glad that she was wearing pants.

"What now?" Will muttered.

"Nothing just yet. I want to see them properly just as much as you do, but this situation cannot be rushed."

Her voice trailed off. She'd noticed something else: the crowd was thickening with the onset of soldiers. As though the square before her was a pot at the boil, she could feel the tension in the air grow heated and loud, until it burst over with a war-cry that sounded like Robin and the clash of swords. Before them the villagers parted in terror, fleeing for doors and alleyways, and Will and Djaq slipped down from their seats and leapt into the fray as though they'd never left England at all. In the chaos that followed, Djaq was only aware of a few periphery things with her main focus on the soldiers before her; but she could feel the warmth and movement of Will at her back, the familiar sense of the other outlaws fighting in the vicinity, and – just for a moment – a glimpse of Much's stunned face as he caught sight her. And then, just as she managed to lunge forward long enough to land a stunning blow on the side of her opponent's face, a high-pitched screech pierced her eardrums.

She whirled about in alarm as a whirling dervish of cries, shrieks and blonde hair blustered past her and threw itself into the arms of the nearest guard. Djaq watched in astonishment as a diminutive woman – almost as small as herself – began to pummel the chest of a grown man draped in chain-mail. Even more surprising was the fact that this tactic seemed to _work_, as the burly guard gave a long, agonising groan and fell under the onslaught of the woman's tiny fists. Djaq barely had time to register this, when another guard burst out of the crowd and grasped the woman by her arms, at which point she was instantly rendered powerless.

"Let me go! Let me go!" she shrieked, shaking herself furiously in his grip.

"Nobody move!" Robin's voice thundered out of the tumult, and instantly the entire court of people – including those who had opened shutters and were leaning out of second-story windows – were utterly still. Every eye was riveted upon the sight of the blonde girl in the grip of two burly guards, as though it was the most fascinating thing they'd ever witnessed. Even Will and Djaq, standing in full view of the assorted outlaws, did not garner so much as a raised eyebrow.

"No, don't hurt her!"

Much had raced forward to stand next to Robin, his face pale and distraught, watching the girl intently as she squirmed and whimpered. Robin ushered him back with a gesture.

"If you want to save your pretty wench, give yourself up!" snarled the guard, giving her a gentle shake, and causing her outraged squeals rise another octave. He held her by the arm, with a knife at her throat – yet oddly enough, the woman did not initiate the use of her free arm in any attempt to escape his grasp.

_Why doesn't she just elbow him? _Djaq wondered. _Or at least try to take possession of the knife?_

But instead she simply sighed and wriggled, keeping her eyes locked on Robin as his drawn bow held the stalemate. Just out of the guard's eye-line, Djaq could sense Will's presence and knew he was waiting for an opening. But the woman wouldn't stop squirming in such a way that only made the man tighten his grip. The other outlaws simply stood there, riveted on the sight before them.

Djaq glanced across at Will, seeing at in a moment that he was at a loss as to how to proceed. What he needed was a distraction. Moving slowly, so as not to attract attention, Djaq lowered herself to the ground and eased a large pebble into her hand. Robin and the guard were exchanging insults and innuendoes about the desirability of the girl that stood between them, when Djaq straightened herself up carefully, nodded to Will who was watching her out the corner of her eye, and then threw the stone with all the strength she could muster at the guard.

Her aim wasn't perfect, but it hardly mattered who she hit: all that was required was enough of a distraction for Will to loosen his shaft and send an arrow into the arm of the soldier who had loosened his grip on the girl. As he reeled backwards in pain, she fell to the ground with another shriek. Will rushed forward to help her up, but she simply brushed past him and flew into Robin's arms with such vigour that it was practically a tackle.

"You're welcome," Djaq heard him mutter as the crowds – as though released from the spell – began to surge forward once more. At once the outlaws converged on each other, dazed confusion on every face as they surveyed the unexpected return of two of their number. Robin – with the girl clinging to his arm – opened and closed his mouth in shock, a smile trembling at the corners of his mouth.

"Will! Djaq!" he cried, his eyes flitting between the two of them. Much and Allan stared at them as if in a dream, but a warm smile was already on John's face as he lumbered up. But a proper reunion would have to wait as another influx of guards crashed into the courtyard, their swords flashing in the sun.

"Split up!" Robin cried, heading for the nearest exit, the girl still clamped to him like a limpet on a rock. "Head back to camp!"

For a few moments there was simply a flurry of movement as Djaq felt Will squeeze her hand briefly before tearing down an alleyway after Much, and she herself grabbed Allan – still staring at her in shock – by the shoulders and pushed him into the nearest doorway. For a while the world contracted into the simple task of putting as much distance between themselves and the soldiers as possible, and it wasn't until Djaq felt the shadows of trees about her again that she slowed to a jog, laughing a little at the exhilaration of the run.

Ahead of her, Allan turned and stared as the two of them caught their breath. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and turned away.

"I'm just dreaming again," she heard him say.

Feeling a sudden pang, Djaq approached and reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Not a dream. Will and I are really here," she told him.

A look of unbearably pitiful hope swam up into Allan's blue eyes, but to her concern, he was looking out of them in a vague and distracted manner. It was as though he didn't quite grasp the significance of situation. Her heart contracted in pain, and she had to remind herself that such distance in her friends was only a symptom of the greater problem. Once that was dealt with, the real Allan would return.

She reached up and stroked his cheek briefly, though he looked down at her with the same dulled expression in his eyes. "Don't worry," she told him firmly. "I am going to fix this."

* * *

Camp was just as she remembered it: the swaying trees overhead, the neatly made bunks, the L-shaped kitchen. Allan gave an apologetic gesture at the bed that had once been hers.

"Kate sleeps there now," he said listlessly, gazing about as though searching for her.

"No matter," Djaq replied. "I don't think Will and I would have both fit in there anyway."

"Hmm? Oh, right…"

Much and Will arrived just a few moments later. As Will reached out to squeeze Djaq's shoulder, she threw a smile in Much's direction. Far from the exuberance that once might have expected at their homecoming, Much was oddly subdued. It was not until Robin and the woman arrived that both men immediately picked up, as though with her presence, they'd once more awoken from a dazed slumber.

"Are you alright?" Much fussed, tentatively patting her shoulder.

Irritably she shrugged it off. "I'm fine," she snapped. "But I'm so parched…"

"I'll get you some water!" Allan said, and scurried away with a flagon in the direction of the river.

Djaq nudged Will, and he quickly snapped his hanging jaw shut again.

Robin gazed across at Kate with an indulgent smile.

"Will, Djaq," he said, revealing in the anticipation. "_This _is _Kate_."

Djaq managed a sidelong glance at Will, and tried not to snort at his tentative, yet utterly baffled smile. Robin had pronounced the single syllable of her name as though it was infused with some profound meaning that was beyond the comprehension of most mortals.

Kate flicked her oddly groomed hair over one shoulder and simpered briefly at Will before during her case onto Djaq and assuming a rather more antagonistic stance.

"What's the reason for _her_?" she demanded of Robin.

"This is my wife Djaq," Will said softly. "She was brought to England as a slave. Robin and the rest of us managed to free her…and we've been reaping the benefits ever since." This last part was said in a considerable lower tone of voice, audible to Djaq's ears only.

Kate was staring in disgruntlement.

"But _I'm _the girl," she said, as Allan returned with a flask of water from the river.

"Heh, I think we've established that Much is the girl," he said as he passed the flask to her.

Kate sighed impatiently.

"That joke's not funny anymore," she snapped. Allan immediately slunk away, as Robin reached out to pat her hand. Immediately her face softened, and she turned to him with a love-struck expression on her face as he addressed Will and Djaq.

"Kate here is _indispensable_," he told them firmly. "I don't know what we'd do without her and her imagination. The amount of times she's used her brain-power to…do stuff. It's incredible."

"You're _amazing_, Kate," Much said hopefully. "It's not like you're any less important just because Djaq's here."

"Besides," Djaq said smoothly. "I am not 'a girl'. I am a grown woman."

"Then it's settled!" Robin said heartily, seemingly oblivious to Kate's abrupt switch back to scowling. "You two can find another bunk for yourself, can't you?"

Will nodded, his eyes already roaming over the construction of the camp. Djaq could see his fingers twitch in anticipation.

"We'll sleep in the forest," she said, tugging on Will's hand. "Come on."

As they were preparing their bed – piling mounds of heather together – they watched the dynamics of the camp from afar. Kate was perched on Djaq's old bed, munching on an apple as the boys went about their usual chores.

"Much, you're not stacking those dishes right!" she called out. "You're supposed to put my ones in a separate pile!" She sighed irritably. "You're dirty and you smell," she informed him as he began his task again.

John laughed indulgently: "Isn't she funny?"

As Will helped Djaq with spreading their blankets over the soft mattress they'd made, he jerked his head in the direction of camp.

"What's going on in there? Everyone's so…"

"Strange?" she finished for him. "I know. She's the one we've been sent here to stop. Don't blame the others – they can't help themselves."

"I didn't think it would be _this _bad," he whispered back. "I mean, poor Allan! He's so…_emasculated. _And Much…I thought he'd promised to find Eve after the fighting had stopped – there was a time when he couldn't stop talking about her. And _Robin_…I can't understand how he's just forgotten about Marian. If anything ever happened to _you _then I'd…I'd…I don't know what I'd do."

She leaned forward with a smile and kissed his lips gently. He was just reaching out to return the favour when an almighty shriek from the camp caused them to bump their heads together in fright.

Kate was squawking.

"You _can't _go to Isabella, you just _can't_! I knew right from the very start there was something off about her. Didn't I tell you? _Didn't I?_"

Will and Djaq hurried to rejoin the others.

"Who's Isabella?" Will asked breathlessly.

"She's Guy of Gisborne's sister," Robin said. "I was just wondering if I should go and…well, apologise to her."

"No!" spat Kate.

"Apologise for what?" Djaq asked.

"Well…I kinda broke into her bedroom at night and threatened her. Then I tried to guilt-trip her out of a stash of treasure that she found in a burial mound. Then I promised her that I'd get rid of her abusive, rapist husband – but my fool-proof plan of tying him up and leaving him in a rickety old cart headed for an insane asylum with an old man as his only guard didn't work out _quite_ as well as I expected it to. Then I accused her of murder after she killed him in self-defence. Then I kinda attacked her in her own bedroom…yeah…"

Robin was frowning to himself, looking deep in thought. At the sound of Kate's outraged little cry, he shook his head and looked up, the glazed look back in his eyes.

"Never mind," he said. "Kate was right about Isabella all along. We should have listened to her from the start."

But Kate was still sulking. "Stupid Isabella," she muttered. "With her stupid hair and her stupid clothes. You should have let her husband kill her, like I told you to."

"I know," Robin sighed in regret.

"Close your mouth," Djaq told Will. His jaw had dropped again.

* * *

They lay curled up close to one another that night, gazing up at the stars.

"This doesn't feel right," Will sighed. "To see her in your bed, wearing one of the outlaw tags. You're supposed to _deserve _those things. I didn't make them for just anybody."

"Just to be patient," Djaq whispered back. "We will deal with her soon enough."

"Poor Allan. Poor everyone."

For a moment there was silence as they gazed up at the stars and the gently swaying canopy of the trees. This was not the homecoming they had imagined. Feeling a sudden swell of sadness, Djaq buried her face in Will's shoulder, biting back tears as she felt his hand stroke the nape of her neck. After composing herself she raised her head and looked at him intently.

"Don't get too close to her," she said. "She might infect you as well."

Will make a _pffst _noise.

"Not with you around."

A smile crept over her face as she shuffled herself over him and pinned his wrists down on the blankets.

"Still, it can't hurt to make _absolutely _certain that her influence will not affect you."

She saw his smile in the darkness.

"Fine with me."

The following morning, Djaq watched as Much served Kate a plate of eggs.

"I made them just the way you like them," he told her. She took it without thanks and turned her attention back to Djaq. Djaq had some questions for her.

"So, Kate – how did you become an outlaw?"

"Oh, I'm not an outlaw. I can go home anytime I want. I just decided to stay here because Robin asked me to. I'm so useful, you see."

"Of course. Are you not needed at home?"

"Well, my mother could have _probably _used a helping hand in remaking all those pots that I managed to get smashed, but…I have a mute little sister to help out with that sort of thing. I'm much more important – I mean, _useful _here. They'd be dead without me."

"Where did you live before you came here?"

"In Locksley."

"And what did you do?" Djaq glanced around the camp, wondering how Kate managed to pull her weight. "Were you a woodswoman? A tracker? A blacksmith, perhaps?"

"No, I made pots."

"Pots?"

"Pots."

Djaq stared blankly at her for a moment, somewhat baffled. Why on earth would the outlaws need a potter in the camp?

Suddenly, Kate raised her voice to an unbearably high pitch and screeched: "E KEELED MAH BRUTHAH!"

"I…pardon me?"

"E keeled mah bruthah!" Kate repeated in fury, her face scrunched up and her fists tightened into tiny, ineffectual balls. "That's why I'm here. To avenge mah bruthah!"

"What happened to your brother?"

"I tried to save him on my own, but the outlaws kept getting in the way."

She glared about the campsite. Allan and Much were hunched over, trying to hide themselves in tasks.

"I had a brilliant plan to save him. I snuck into the castle by himself and told Guy of Gisborne where to find Robin Hood if he would release Matthew."

"You…sold out Robin to Guy?"

"Mm-hm. But don't worry – Robin said sorry to me afterwards."

"_He _said sorry to _you_?"

"Yes. And I forgave him."

Djaq shook her head in confusion. "So – how did Matthew die?"

"Gisborne. E keeled mah bruthah! But you wouldn't understand. _Nobody _understands."

"Actually, my brother was killed too. And so was Allan's. Didn't he mention it? And your brother is hardly the first person that Gisborne has killed. He killed Robin's wife. And castle soldiers killed Will's father. And Marian's father. And John's wife and child had to flee Nottingham after they were almost tortured."

Kate blinked, her face blank.

"But…_e keeled mah bruthah!_"

Djaq sighed, and leaned back.

Little John called out from the other side of camp.

"Kate, can you hold these swords while I sharpen them? No one can hold swords like you can, treasure!"

Kate bounded to her feet and skipped over, her blonde hair flopping in the slight breeze. Djaq rubbed her temples. She could feel a headache coming on.

Next to her, Much sat down with his own breakfast and a sad sigh.

"Kate…" he muttered. "I'd do anything for her."

Djaq looked up in despair. "What is it that you like so much?"

"Well she's…it's that…she's _amazing._"

"But I want you to think carefully, Much…_what's _so amazing about her?"

For a moment he gaped. "Well, she…the thing is…she once snuck in to the castle by herself."

"That's not that difficult Much," Djaq reminded him gently.

His brow furrowed in confusion. "But…but…"

She patted his knee gently as Robin bounded up.

"Well, guys – I'm off to do the drop-offs. Plus, there's rumours of soldiers on the north road – they could be carrying some loot into Nottingham."

"I'll come with you!" Much said eagerly, his eyes brightening as he stood.

"No Much, you stay here," Kate said. "I'll go with him."

Without another word, Robin and Kate strolled out of camp together. Much and Allan looked unbearably glum, as though the sun itself had faded away along with Kate's absence.

Will beckoned her over.

"Why would Robin take a _potter_ on a potentially dangerous mission instead of a trained soldier?" he whispered. Over his shoulder, Much was staring miserably at the ground, and Djaq felt anger course through her veins. This had to come to an end.

"I was right," she whispered. "I can't fight this creature with reason."

"What then?"

She patted the hilt of her sword. "The first chance I get," she told him.

At that moment the gong that sounded movement on the north road rang out, and instantly the outlaws jumped to their feet.

"Let's go," Little John said, hefting his staff over one shoulder, and at once the outlaws fell into line behind him.

* * *

They met up with Kate and Robin concealed behind a tree. Robin was watching the road intently. Kate was watching Robin intently, and she turned around to gesture silence as the rest of the outlaws crept up beside them.

"A convoy is coming," Robin whispered. "The taxes for this month. We'll wait until it's past, and then ambush it from behind. John will take care of the driver; Much and Will – you take the riders. Kate – be careful. Djaq, it's your job to look after her."

"I can look after her," Much whispered back eagerly.

"I'm closer – I'll do it," Allan countered.

Will and Djaq shared a sidelong glance as Will shuffled his feet in embarrassment and Kate flipped her hair over her shoulder.

"I can take care of myself! I'm sick of you two protecting me. We have to concentrate on the mission – I'll go with Robin." she hissed.

"Alright," Robin agreed. "We'll do it that way."

Quietly, the outlaws settled into place. It was only a few minutes wait before the sight of a heavily guarded wagon trundled into view, and instantly the outlaws tensed.

"Alright," whispered Robin. "Get ready…"

But before he gave the signal, Kate leapt out from her hiding place and hurtled down toward the convoy with an eardrum-piercing screech. Startled, the outlaws raced after her as she threw herself at the nearest guard, waving her short sword about like an enlarged toothpick. For a few moments there was only chaos as the outlaws fought desperately without the advantage of surprise. Djaq could feel Will's reassuring presence at her back as she parried with one of the guards, managing to tip his balance off and send him toppling backwards over the rear-end of his horse. It was only when the guards had retreated, leaving behind their wagon full of tax money, that Djaq allowed herself a triumphant smile. It was not to last, as the first words out of Much's mouth were:

"Where's Kate?"

The outlaws looked around in astonishment.

"She's been captured!"

"She was right beside me, and then she was gone! How could I ever forgive myself if something happens to her?"

"We have to rescue her, even though she's capable of taking care of herself!"

"She's indispensable! We can't do this without her!"

"I'd do anything for her!"

"But wait – how can we come up with a plan to save her without her imagination?"

Robin, Much, Allan and John seemed almost beside themselves with worry.

"Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to bring her after all," Will said.

"Are you crazy?" Robin cried. "We can't do this _without _her!"

"Robin, the woman's been captured twice in less than twelve hours," Djaq pointed out.

"It doesn't matter," he declared. "We have to get to the castle dungeons right away!"

* * *

The outlaws snuck into the castle with relative ease considering the guards had fallen asleep at their posts.

"This is getting easier," Will muttered to Djaq as they slipped in through a side door.

"Suspiciously easy," she whispered back.

It was almost fun to be back sneaking through the dark and damp corridors of Nottingham Castle, hiding in alcoves and peering around corners. The guttering torches of the dungeon revealed clearly enough that the cells were empty.

"Where could she be?" moaned Much.

"It's obviously a trap," Will told them. "She's being held somewhere else in order to lure us in."

"Agreed," said Robin. "So we should march straight up to the great hall and demand to know where she is! It's the only sensible thing to do!"

Without another word, he pranced out of the dungeons, followed by the eager troop of Allan, Much and John.

"This is ridiculous," Will cried, as he and Djaq rushed after them.

"_Agreed,_" Djaq told him. "It's time to end this nonsense."

The outlaws charged up the stairs and down the halls, finally bursting into the Great Hall with assorted war cries. Kate was locked in a large cage hanging over the long table, rattling the cages.

"What are you lot doing here?" she screeched. "I can take care of myself! Now get me out of this cage!"

Allan and Much raced for the pulley system against the wall as Robin called up encouraging platitudes.

"I'll use my imagination to get out!" she said – and opened the door.

"Amazing!" Much cried as Kate leapt down on the table and leapt into Robin's arms with a cry of joy.

"You saved me!" she trilled. "Even though I didn't need any help."

"Not so fast."

Djaq strode forward, hands on hips, and looked Kate in the eye.

"Who are you?" she said.

Kate blinked.

"What – what do you mean?"

"I said," Djaq said, approaching her slowly, threateningly. "Who are you?"

"My _NAME _is _KATE_," she snapped.

"Djaq?" Robin asked, his arms around Kate. "What are you doing?"

"Will and I have been sent here by Allah to wipe out an evil that's been living amongst you for the last eight months."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

Djaq drew her sword and pointed it at Kate.

"This," she announced. "Is what is known among my people as a _mar-yah sushesh_. An evil spirit that warps the world around her to answer to its bidding."

She looked at the others; watching nervously; their eyes flickering back and forth between the outraged Kate and the calm, stoic Djaq. Will stepped forward to stand next to her.

"Think about it," he instructed the others. "You're all acting like fools! You run after this woman like you're her babysitters, and for what? She never thanks you for it, and she never learns from her mistakes. She just keeps on doing it!"

"It's one of the qualities of a _mar-yah sushesh_," Djaq explained. "To make you believe that she's the centre of the universe, despite doing nothing to actually deserve this adulation."

Hesitantly, Robin stepped back away from Kate. She balled up her fists in fury.

"How dare you?" she screeched. "I'm _indispensable_! I have an _imagination_!"

In that moment, Djaq had had quite enough. Without a word she stepped forward, clenched her fist, drew her arm back and punched the squawling Kate. Fist contacted face with a satisfying _thwack _and Kate reeled back, her arms wind-milling as she stumbled. She blinked, her face a picture of shock, and then looked up at Djaq, her face screwing up in rage.

With another high-pitched screech, she flew at Djaq, clawing her nails. Djaq sidestepped away and Kate went sprawling across the flagstones of the castle floor.

"You're not very bright, are you?" Djaq said as Kate lurched to her feet. Kate turned, opened her mouth, and emitted a high-pitched wail that immediately had all the outlaws clamping their hands over their ears in pain.

"Arrghh!" cried Allan. "Make it stop!"

Djaq bent over under the force of the sound waves (_now I know how the bats feel, _she thought to herself) and waited until Kate was almost upon her, raining slaps with the palms of her hands down upon her. Feigning defeat, Djaq raised her own hands…only to clamp them around Kate's neck. At once the incessant caterwauling ceased as Djaq pushed Kate backwards, keeping her hands firmly in place.

"Thank the Lord!" cried Little John.

"It felt like someone was raping my ear," groaned Allan, holding his head between his hands.

"I think my ears are bleeding!" added Much.

Kate responded by kneeing Djaq in the stomach, momentarily knocking the air out of her.

"Whee, I did it, I did it!" Kate began to shout. "Robin – did you see how I did that?"

Djaq staggered from her knees to her feet, braced herself, and lunged forward in order to tackle Kate. She toppled backwards with a wail.

"It is time to end this," Djaq announced. "Begone, demon!"

By this stage the fight had moved dangerously close to the windows that overlooked the courtyard far below, and Djaq shifted her feet carefully, knowing that one wrong move could cost her life. Kate leapt forward once again, now utterly enraged, and threw herself at Djaq. With her arms pinned to her sides, all Djaq could do was struggle, as Kate dragged her toward an open window, muttering furiously to herself: "_I'm_ the only girl."

There was only one option open to her; Djaq gritted her teeth and head-butted Kate. It was worth the headache she knew would come to see Kate howl in dismay, and with the arms that had been loosened, Djaq reached up to grasp the braid across Kate's forehead.

With her other hand she grabbed a handful of the powder that she kept in a pouch on her belt and flung it in Kate's face. Kate coughed and spluttered, slapping at her own face as her eyes watered.

"Paprika! Ouch!"

Djaq flung her away, breathing heavily as she watched Kate stumble backwards toward the window, her arms pinwheeling.

"I'm compassionate and amazing and a good fighter and a treasure!" Kate raged. "I'm indispensable!"

"That is as may be," Djaq panted. "But your sense of humour leaves a lot to be desired."

"That's not true! I'm hilarious!"

"Really? Then tell me, what's useless, irritating, and goes backwards?"

"What?"

"You."

Djaq rushed forward, giving Kate an almighty push. With a final blood-curdling shriek Kate went flying over her head and through the window.

"_E keeled mah bruthah_…" the outlaws heard her screech on the way down, and then there was blissful silence.

Will crossed the room in order to help Djaq to her feet, touching her face and shoulders in concern as he ascertained that she was alright. Around them, the outlaws blinked in confusion. As Will and Djaq watched, the four men before them shook their heads and looked around dazedly, as though they were waking up from a long dream.

"What…what just happened?" Robin asked, rubbing the back of my head.

"Not bein' funny, but…I feel funny," Allan groaned, and then cocked his head. "Hey…I haven't said that in a while."

"Are you guys alright?" Will asked.

"What…_happened_?" John demanded.

"You have all been the victim of a _mar-yah sushesh_," Djaq told them.

"A _what_?"

"Let me ask you: have you recently felt symptoms of tunnel vision – of believing that Kate is the most important person in the world? That nothing else mattered but her?"

"Yes," Much said instantly, and Djaq hid a smile.

"These creatures have the power to bend the universe to their will, no matter how unpleasant or idiotic they may appear to be. They have difference levels of competence depending on the situation: sometimes appearing to have magical powers, and at other times completely helpless and relying on others to save them. Those around them are simply blind to their faults."

There was silence for a moment as the outlaws gradually digested this information.

"But how did this happen?" Robin asked.

Will and Djaq cast an uneasy glance at each other.

"It was after Marian died and Djaq and I stayed in the Holy Land," Will said sadly. "After we left, the _mar-yah sushesh _rushed to plug the hole that the three of us left behind. It was the perfect opportunity for her to integrate herself into the gang and make you believe she was…" he snorted slightly. "_Indispensable."_

There was stunned silence for a few moments. Then Little John groaned loudly.

"I called her a treasure!"

After a moment, they begin to laugh.

"If she was such a treasure, we didn't we give her to the poor?" Allan asked.

"Why did I let her join the gang?" Robin cried. "She was completely useless! She put us all in danger! It makes no sense!"

"It doesn't strike you as rather odd?" Will asked. "To have such a liability on the team?"

"Well – no. It made perfect sense at the time. What was I thinking?"

Allan let out a groan, burying his face in his hands. "I was whipped. Utterly whipped!"

"Hell, even _Prince John _wanted a piece of her!" Robin cried.

Djaq glanced over at Much, kicking his feet around and looking woebegone.

"Are you alright?" Djaq asked.

"Yeah. I guess."

"I am sorry. Did you really like her?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. I was the one who fell for her first. I guess I was an easy target."

"Do not talk like that," she said, giving his shoulders a squeeze. "It does not work like that."

"How do you know?" he asked.

"Well, the thing is…I am something of a _mar-yah sushesh _myself," she said, pressing her fingers together. "It is how I knew that trouble was brewing back here."

"But she isn't dangerous," Will said defensively, putting his arm around her shoulders.

"That is right," Djaq said seriously. "I only use my powers for good: to solve problems, help people, and have mind-blowing sex with Will."

"It's true," Will confirmed.

"So…it wasn't just me then?" Much asked hopefully.

"Of course not," she said. "You're fine just the way you are."

"I'm not smelly or dirty?"

"Well…you are a little bit, but I do not mind."

A slow, shy smile crept up the sides of his face, though he kept his eyes firmly on his shoes.

"Well," said Robin, stretching his arms up above his head. "I don't know about you lot, but I'm hungry and we have a homecoming to celebrate."

Much's ears immediately pricked up. "Food!" he cried. "I feel as though I haven't been hungry in months!"

"Yes, and we should get out of here before the guards come," John reminded them. "We are standing in the castle, remember."

As a group, the six of them headed toward the castle doors, but Djaq felt a hand clasp her own and a slight tugging as they neared the gate. She turned back to see Allan smiling at her.

"You really are _here_, aren't you," he said. He reached out and touched her hair. It had grown long since the last time he'd seen it, falling down past her shoulders. "Pretty," he commented, running it through his fingers.

"Hmm. Maybe I should do something with it. Like braid it across my forehead, maybe?"

"Not bein' funny but…you know what: I just got my catchphrase back. I'm not gonna waste it on a comment like _that_."

* * *

_And they all lived happily ever after. As a sidenote, as I was uploading this document I came across the box that allowed me to click in the main characters of the fic. I was given a list of the characters to choose from. All the main characters were on that list (including Roy and Archer)...except one..._


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